2008 Woodie Awards
Bardo Stars horoscope (third installment)
Baba Ganush
Issue date: 2/11/08 Section: Mixed Plate
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have definitely given someone the wrong idea about you. You might want to watch what you say to the person with the faded jeans or you may end up with a stalker, Aquarius.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Take a break from all your hard work and lie down in the grass under some trees. Try to pick a day when it isn't raining, although you've never really minded getting wet, have you, Pisces?
Aries (March 21-April 19): If you keep your eyes open and your mouth shut, you will become a little wealthier over the next few days. Just remember Aries, what happens in Hamilton Library stays in Hamilton Library.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Arm yourself with a good excuse for why you can't stay at a particular function, Taurus, or you will end up missing out on one of life's ultimate pleasures. When someone insists you stay, feel free to (metaphorically) give them the business.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Stick to what you know or you risk losing an old friend in a misunderstanding. Feel free to develop deep and complex theories, hatch plots to overthrow foreign heads of state, or solve the monetary crisis - just don't tell anyone. Yet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your eye for detail is better than average. That's why I am assigning you the important task of quality control over your own thought processes. There is no one more able to do this than you, Cancer, and no one who will benefit from it as much.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You need to give yourself a wardrobe makeover, Leo. First, turn all the coat hangers in your closet backwards. Then when you wear something, turn the hanger back around. What you don't wear in a month is what needs to go. While you are at it, get yourself a new hairdo.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Some people think that opening a bottle with their teeth is a cool trick. My advice to you, Virgo, is to avoid those people - and if you are one of them, it might be time to rethink what the word 'cool' means.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): A recent survey said that as many as 88 percent of Americans read their horoscope and use what they learn to influence their decisions. The answer to your question is no.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): For some reason, I am picturing you in a beer commercial. There you are in a tropical pool, a waiter comes up to you with drinks on a tray, an extremely sexy person is coming toward you with desire in their eyes. The big question, Scorpio, is why are you watching the TV in the corner?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you close your eyes and picture the person you love, who do you see, Sagittarius? Do you see someone you know, someone you don't know, or David Hasselhoff? My guess is that it's not the Hoff. If it's someone you know, you need to let them know how you feel. It's just what they need to make it through a rough time.
Baba Ganush is a transcendental spirit that lives under the Ka Leo building. He is thousands of years old, likes pizza, whiskey, old reruns of Sanford and Son, and long moonlit walks through Kaimukī. Bardo Stars Horoscope should be read for entertainment.
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